The Room With No Doors
by Verbena
Summary: X-files characters are trapped inside a room with no doors! WHAT WILL THEY DO!? Dun, dun, DUUUUUUN....!!!


Title: The Room With No Doors  
Author: Verbena, of course! I are kewl.  
Disclaimer: The X-files belongs to Cats! HAHA! Sue me dry, you bastards!  
Summary: How can you summarize the most precious fanfic ever to grace the planet? 

--- 

Once upon a time there was this guy named Fox Mulder. He worked for the FBI and liked being an ass. 

Once upon a time there was this girl named Dana Scully. She worked for the FBI and liked being the coolest of the cool. 

Once upon a time there was this guy named John Doggett. He joined the FBI and liked listening to Baha Men's "Who let the dogs out?" because he swore it was written for him. 

Once upon a time there was this guy named Skinner. He joined the FBI and liked trying on his mother's undergarments. 

Once upon a time there was this group of dudes named The Lone Gunmen. They were very manly men. 

Once upon a time, there was this girl named Verbena who decided to write a fanfic. She took all of these people and put them in a room to see what would happen. 

--- 

(Silence. Lots of clearing of throats, head-scratching, butt-scratching, and confusion.) 

MULDER: So... what's... up? 

FROHIKE: Oh, the usual. 

SKINNER: Yeah, you know. 

LANGLEY: Nothing much. 

DOGGETT: Nope, nothing much. 

SCULLY: The ceiling. 

BYERS: Yeah. 

MULDER: (nods) ...Cool. Same here. 

(Long pause.) 

LANGLEY: So, uh... see any good movies lately? 

SCULLY: I saw Return to Me a while back. It sucked, though. 

MULDER: It wasn't THAT bad, Scully. 

SCULLY: Ugh, vomit-inducing is what it was. 

MULDER: (glares) 

SCULLY: (glares) 

(Long pause.) 

SKINNER: (clears throat) Uh... so... anyone going to see that new movie, what's it called? Evolution? 

SCULLY: Looks crappy. 

MULDER: I think it looks good... 

SCULLY: It looks crappy. 

MULDER: (glares) 

SCULLY: (glares) 

DOGGETT: ...Well, ya know, everyone's entitled to their own opinions. (coughs) 

MULDER: Yeah. Opinions. (glares) 

SCULLY: (glares) 

FROHIKE: Chill out, dudes. 

LANGLEY: Yeah, seriously. 

BYERS: (points) Hey, what's that? 

(A purple cloud has appeared hovering above everyone. A deep, bellowing voice speaks.) 

VOICE: Say "Bologna" if you want special powers. 

MULDER: Um... bologna? 

SCULLY: This is ridiculous. 

SKINNER: Heh, bologna. 

DOGGETT: Bologna. 

FROHIKE: Bologna. 

BYERS: ...Bologna. 

LANGLEY: Bologna all the way, baby! 

SCULLY: (sighs) Okay, bologna. 

VOICE: HAH! Made ya say bologna! 

EVERYONE: (glares) 

VOICE: Okay, okay, just kidding. Now each of you have some sort of special power! Try it out! 

MULDER: (starts floating in the air) I can fly! WEE! 

DOGGETT: (points to a table and it turns into a shitzu) Hey, I can turn stuff into dogs. How... original. 

FROHIKE: (points to the floor and a turd magically appears on it) Hey, I can make turds appear out of nowhere. Um... that isn't very cool. I bet it's because my name rhymes with "Doohike", huh? 

VOICE: (nods) 

FROHIKE: Hey, you're just a voice, you can't nod. 

VOICE: Oh. 

SKINNER: (notices the piles and piles of Rogaine boxes in the corner) Um... are those for me? 

VOICE: Yup. 

SKINNER: But how is that a special power? 

VOICE: I dunno. 

SKINNER: So... I don't have one? 

VOICE: Guess not. 

SKINNER: But I said bologna! 

VOICE: Sorry. 

SKINNER: ... 

SCULLY: Hey, I can morph into different versions of myself! (morphs into KickAss!Scully) Wow! (kicks Skinner's ass) 

SKINNER: Hey, what was that for?! 

SCULLY: I dunno. 

SKINNER: (tears up) Why am I being so mistreated? Don't you like me, Verbena? 

VOICE: Of course I like you, baldy. I'm just feeling mean today. 

SKINNER: Then why don't you pick on Doggett? He sucks more then I do! 

DOGGETT: HEY! 

VOICE: Don't get your panties in a wad! None of you suck. Not... much, anyway. Just chill out. 

SCULLY: (morphs into OurLittleSailor!Scully) Fucking damn bloody hell shit, this place blows. 

EVERYONE: (gasps) 

SCULLY: Uhh... that's not a good one. (morphs into OhMyGod!Scully) Oh my god! 

LANGLEY: (melts the couch with his eyes) Wow, I can melt stuff with my eyes! 

SCULLY: Oh my god! 

BYERS: (morphs into a cow) Moo! 

SCULLY: OH MY GOD! 

BYERS: (morphs back) ... 

MULDER: Hey, Scully, come fly with me. 

SCULLY: Oh my god! 

MULDER: Um... is that a yes or a no? 

SCULLY: Oh my g- (morphs into Skeptic!Scully) Mulder, nobody can fly. 

MULDER: But, um, I'm flying right now. (points to feet) See? My feet aren't touching the floor. 

SCULLY: It goes against the laws of gravity. It must be an illusion or something. 

MULDER: (rolls eyes) 

SCULLY: Mulder, looking for extreme possibilities makes you blind to the probable explanation right in front of you. 

MULDER: Morph into someone else, Scully. 

SCULLY: Mulder, I'm sure there's a rational explana- (morphs into Believer!Scully) Wow, you're flying! 

MULDER: No kidding. Now, come and fly with me! (takes Scully's hand and they fly around the room) 

SCULLY: Wow, it's like Peter Pan. 

MULDER: Yes, Wendy. (laughs cornily) 

EVERYONE: ... 

LANGLEY: They get to fly? What about us? Our powers are pure crap! 

VOICE: But you get to melt stuff! I think. I forgot. 

LANGLEY: I'll melt you, you bitch! 

VOICE: But I'm just a voice! 

LANGLEY: Aw... dang. 

SKINNER: You guys are lucky! I don't have ANY powers! All I have is Rogaine. 

VOICE: Psst, hey Skin-man, come 'ere. 

SKINNER: I can't "come 'ere", you're just a dang voice! 

VOICE: Alright, alright. (materializes into a girl) My name... is Verbena. 

SKINNER: Yes, okay. Point? 

VERBENA: (whispers into his ear) 

SKINNER: What? But this is a FANFIC, people don't want to- 

VERBENA: Do you want a special power or not? 

SKINNER: (sighs) Okay, okay. (deadpan) Hello. My name is Walter. Music videos are cool. Verbena wants you to download her music videos. You can fulfill your XF music video needs at http://www.envy.nu/triggerhappy/. Again, my name is Walter. I loved Verbena's music videos. They were so cool. They changed my life dramatically. Before I viewed Verbena's heavenly divine music videos, my life was a mess. I couldn't get a date and was contemplating suicide. But now everything has changed and I couldn't be happier. (turns to Verbena, whispers) Am I done yet? 

VERBENA: Yeah, okay. Now you get a special power! 

SKINNER: Woohoo! (melts into a pool of silver goo) 

DOGGETT: Hey, shouldn't that be MY power? 

VERBENA: No, you turn stuff into dogs. 

DOGGETT: Aww. (turns a box of Rogaine into a bulldog) 

BULLDOG: BARK! BARK! (chases after everyone) 

DOGGETT: AHHHH!!! HELP! HELP! 

FROHIKE: BAD DOG, BAD DOG! 

BYERS: Dogs don't chase cows! (morphs back into a cow) 

MULDER: (floating above everyone with Scully) We're safe up here, my darling. 

SCULLY: (looks at him incredulously) WHAT did you just call me? 

MULDER: Uh... Scully. 

SCULLY: No, you called me "darling". 

MULDER: Well, that's because... I... I love you. 

SCULLY: (morphs into Love!Scully) Oh, Mulder... I love yo- (morphs into Bitch!Scully) Ugh! (punches him, and in doing so, lets go of his hand and falls to the floor) OW! Dammit! (notices the dog) EEP! (runs like mad) 

LANGLEY: This calls for quick thinking! (melts the dog with eyes) 

EVERYONE: (cheers) 

DOGGETT: Thanks, Langley. You saved us all! 

MULDER: (puts his feet on the floor and runs up to Scully) Are you okay? The dog didn't hurt you, did it? 

SCULLY: (morphs into I'mFine!Scully) I'm fine, Mulder. 

MULDER: Uh, oh, I think we need a paramedic! 

SCULLY: What? But I just said I was fine! 

MULDER: And we ALL know what that means. It's okay, Scully, I'll getcha to a hospital. 

LANGLEY: But I'M the one who needs medical attention! (points to ass) That thing took a bite outta me! 

FROHIKE: And I lost a finger! (lifts up four-fingered hand) 

BYER: (points to bloody area where ear used to be) And the thing had my ear in its mouth! 

SKINNER: And one of my balls has mysteriously disappeared... 

SCULLY: Jebus! I'm not the one who needs help, Mulder. 

MULDER: ...Jebus Christ... 

VERBENA: Hold up, hold up! Nobody's going to a hospital. 

EVERYONE: What?! 

VERBENA: Look around, you morons! THERE ARE NO DOORS! 

SCULLY: But these guys need medical attention, and FAST! 

VERBENA: It's not my problem. 

SCULLY: Yes, it is! (morphs into Bitch!Scully) You were the one that got us in this mess! You interrupted us from everything we were doing and stuck us in this LAME-ASS fanfic! I was in the middle of watching The Daily Show with that hunky Jon Stewart, and now I'm gonna have to miss Steven Karrell's heartbreaking look at "The Man Who Lost His Underpants"!! All because of YOU, you BITCH! 

VERBENA: ... 

EVERYONE: ... 

VERBENA: ..... 

EVERYONE: ..... 

VERBENA: ......... 

EVERYONE: .......... 

FROHIKE: Man, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson tonight. Don't piss of the Ice Queen. 

VERBENA: (tears up) I'm... I'm SO sorry! Honestly! I didn't mean to get you mad! (sobs) I... just... wanted... to write... a... fanfic... 

SCULLY: (sighs) I'm sorry, Verbena, that was kind of mean. 

MULDER: Oh, Verbena, it's okay. (puts arms around her) 

VERBENA: Don't touch me. 

MULDER: Oh, okay. (pulls back) 

SCULLY: (puts hand on her shoulder) 

VERBENA: Yeah, YOU can touch me. 

SCULLY: Okay. 

VERBENA: (glares at Mulder) You can't, so, just... back away. 

MULDER: (backs away) ... 

VERBENA: Further. 

MULDER: (backs away further) ... 

(No one says or does anything for the next few minutes. Verbena has her head in her hands the entire time.) 

EVERYONE: ... 

VERBENA: ... 

EVERYONE: ..... 

VERBENA: ....... 

EVERYONE: ......... 

VERBENA: ........... 

EVERYONE: ............. 

VERBENA: (suddenly up pops her head and she starts singing) Is THIS the answer to our prayers? Is this what god has seeeent? ...Please understand... this isn't what we meant... (breaks down and puts her head in her hands again) 

EVERYONE: ... 

(A looong time passes.) 

VERBENA: (suddenly up pops her head) Hm... this fanfic is missing something. 

FROHIKE: Massive quantities of cheese? 

VERBENA: No. 

SKINNER: Massive quantities of bacon? 

VERBENA: No... 

MULDER: Massive quantities of- 

VERBENA: No massive quantities of anything! Hm... I KNOW! Zero Wing! 

SCULLY: What the jebus is Zero Wing? 

VERBENA: Soon, Dana, soon... (dissolves into nothingness) 

EVERYONE: ... 

SCULLY: Where'd she go? 

VOICE: I've turned back into the mysterious voice. 

SCULLY: Oh... 

(Suddenly a weird anime-looking guy appears in the room out of nowhere.) 

CATS: How are you gentlemen!!!! 

SCULLY: That's quite sexist. 

CATS: All your base are belong to us!!!! 

LANGLEY: This is a base? 

CATS: Somebody set up you the bomb! 

MULDER: A bomb? 

DOGGETT: No way, this place isn't gonna blow up, is it?! 

CATS: You are on the way to destruction!! 

LANGLEY: WHAT?! 

CATS: You have no chance to survive make your time!!! 

FROHIKE: No way! I'm too young to die! 

SKINNER: No doors and no windows... 

BYERS: No way out... 

MULDER: So this is the end...? 

DOGGETT: No way... I never thought it would end like this. I always thought I'd die from herpes or something. 

SCULLY: Mulder... 

MULDER: Scully... 

SCULLY: I love yo- 

CATS: You are suck. 

SCULLY: Don't you DARE interrupt our intimate shippy moment! 

MULDER: Now, where were we, my darling? 

SCULLY: Well, I love you. 

MULDER: I love you, too, sweetie-pie. 

SCULLY: I was... too afraid to tell you before, but now that everything is coming to an end, I decided that there was no reason not to. 

MULDER: Oh, Dana, my darling! 

(Mulder and Scully embrace and start to make-out.) 

CATS: This guy are sick. 

DOGGETT: Well, I suppose, since it IS the end of it all, well... um... (glances at Skinner and blushes) 

SKINNER: (blushes back, laughs nervously) 

DOGGETT: I've kinda... always had a little, um... thing for you... 

SKINNER: I've kinda always had a little thing for you, too, John... 

EVERYONE: ...!!! 

(Doggett and Skinner move closer... closer... closer... CLOSER! Their lips barely touch, when...) 

DOGGETT: Ouch! 

SKINNER: I'm... sorry. It was too fast, wasn't it? 

DOGGETT: No, something stung me... (opens palm to reveal a bee) 

SKINNER: (sighs, rubs the area on Doggett's neck where he was stung) It must have got in your shirt. 

DOGGETT: ...Walter? 

SKINNER: Yeah? 

DOGGETT: Something's wrong. 

SKINNER: What? 

DOGGETT: I have lacinating pain in... my chest. My motor functions are being effected. My pulse is thready... 

SKINNER: John... (places Doggett gently onto the floor) 

DOGGETT: ...And there's a funny taste in the back of my throat. 

SKINNER: I think you're going into anaphylactic shock. 

DOGGETT: No, Walter, I have no allergy... 

SKINNER: (runs to the phone to dial 911, but then realizes that there is no phone, no door, no anything) AUGH!!!!!! (begins to run around and around the room aimlessly, going insane) 

(Everyone in the room has been watching closely, highly entertained and yet highly disturbed at what's been happening before their eyes.) 

FROHIKE: Oh, my lord... 

CATS: This guy are sick. 

SCULLY: Thank jebus for the bee! 

MULDER: (looks up) It was YOU, the _voice_, that sent the heavenly bee, wasn't it? 

VERBE- er, VOICE: It was I, indeed. 

MULDER: Can you please help us? Can you please get rid of the bomb? 

VOICE: What bomb? 

MULDER: Um... the bomb. The one that's going to explode? 

VOICE: Oh... heh, heh, the BOMB. Right. Cats, what the Jebus did you tell them? 

CATS: Truthness. I are set up them the bomb. 

VOICE: WHAT?!?!?! Then you must call upon the power of 'Zig' to stop it! 

CATS: But I are Cats. You have no chance to survive make your time. 

VOICE: You idiot! Call upon the power of 'Zig' NOW, or I'll kick your ass! 

CATS: (sighs) Take off every 'Zig'. 

(There's a RURRING sound in the background.) 

CATS: For great justice!!! 

EVERYONE: ... 

CATS: The 'Zig' are done. You have chance to survive make your long time. 

EVERYBODY: Whew! 

FROHIKE: Well, looks like all's well with the world once again! 

LANGLEY: Not really. Many of us have lost massive amounts of blood from the bulldog attack, and I think Doggett has just slipped into a coma. 

SCULLY: Plus, thanks to SOMEONE who shall remain anonymous, we're stuck in this hellhole forever. 

BYERS: There's no food or toilets or anything here. We're all going to die a slow, painful death. Maybe we SHOULD'VE let the bomb go off. 

EVERYONE: (sighs) 

VOICE: ...Um, hello?! You guys really think I'm going to let you die? Jebus christ! What do you think I am? A sadist? 

SCULLY: Really?? So we can go? 

VOICE: Uh... I guess. This fanfic is getting ridiculously long anyways. 

EVERYONE: WOO-HOO!!!!!!! 

(In the blink of an eye, everyone is returned to wherever they were before Verbena brought them to The Room With No Doors (TM), and they continued on with their "normal" XF/TLG lives. But this wasn't the last they'd hear of the evil fanfic writer lady... *evil music plays in the background*) 

CATS: This fanfic are suck! 

---THE END---  
  



End file.
